HELLO, DOLLY!

What are you doing here??

“Hello, Mike.”  “Hello, Dolly.”  “Hello, Syesha”  “Hello, Dolly.”  “Hello, Carly.”  “Hello, Dolly.”  “Hello Jason.”  “Hello JASON.”  “HELLOOO JASON??!! “Ohhh hey… Hello, Polly.”  “It’s Dolly.”  Whooooa.  Sorry, man.  “Hello, Ramiele.”  “Hello, Molly.”  It’s DOLLY!!” “Hello, Arch.”  “Hello, Dolly.”  “Hello Brooke, “Ohhhhhh Hello, Milly!”  “It’s DOLLY…DOLLY!!!!!!”

DILLY, DOLLY, PILLY, POLLY , MILLY, MOLLY!!!!!!  They don’t know who the heck she is!!  Meaning:  IT’S NOT SO NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK WHERE YOU BELONG BECAUSE YOU DON’T BELONG……….. HERE………ON IDOL……….BECAUSE IT TRANSLATES ONE WAY AND ONE WAY ONLY:

ANOTHER NIGHT OF HANGING UPSIDE DOWN FROM OUR COUCHES!!

Did you NOT see David Cook reading his cheat sheet on the piano!?!?  He doesn’t know 9 to 5!  Dear Lord!!!!!!!!.........WHO is in charge of the Guest List!?!?  WHO continues to tap into artists that make no sense in this YOUNG puzzle!?  The guest puzzle piece never, ever, ever connects!!  Dolly’s career started 40 years ago and you think kids born in the 90’s are supposed to “understand and get that music?”  “Get that feel?”  “Understand that vibe?”  STOP THE INSANITY!!!!!!!!!!  Hey, I’m all about the Dolly, but not for this show. The Dolly belongs BACK in the Toy Chest!

SORRY, DOLLY!

Okay, belt in…let’s get through this “Pop Culture (??) Icon who has been Red Hot for 40 years,” shall we??

BTW – here’s my 2 cents on Dolly’s voice and her songwriting: It’s Brilliant.  BECAUSE…SHE writes her songs and SHE sings her songs.  It’s like a suit that’s tailor made.  It fits ONE body.  You can’t share a suit that’s tailor made.  It ain’t happening – no way, no how. I don’t care how your great your body is or how great your voice is.  Dolly’s songs were written for Dolly.  Not Milly, not Molly, not Pilly and not Polly.  DOLLY!!!!!!!!!  DONE!

Here we go…

Brooke – So Sister 70’s steps up with Jolene.  IF you’re a country music fan, you know what she was singing about, but if you’re not a country music fan…you were clueless. Granola Girl stepped right into what country is all about…breakin’ hearts, cheatin’ and lyin’ with “I’m begging of you please don’t take my man…”  I’m begging you, STOP!!  Brooke knows the Doll, but did she connect and WOW us?  NO.  I’m stickin’ to Folk Festivals in the Catskills for the Nanny.  Dawg?  “It suits your voice.”  Ahhhh, SUITS?????…as in “the suit fits?????”  Dawg, did you NOT hear what I just said about suits and voices!??  Yo, Sorry Mrs. Jones.  “Pitch problems and just awigt.” EXACTLY!!  Diva?  “You have an emotional connection.”!?!?!?!? – Right out of the gate, Diva???  Here’s another one, Mrs. Jones!  “You are Brooke White.”   And you are A MESS, DIVA!!  Just………be quiet.  Simon the Great?  “Lacking emotion, odd, wasn’t crazy about it.”  Really?  Shocking.

Brooke gets:  ONE DOLLY.

Next!

OUR MAN…………..DAVID COOK!!!!!!!!!!  Okay not to sidebar here, but how many times did you listen to Billie Jean, people???  30??  40 times???  He should just leave the show now and go on tour.  No…that wouldn’t be right.  Fair is fair. Grab your Dolly, David…it’s time to sing.

David’s choice, “Little Sparrow.”  I know Dolly, but I didn’t know that one.  Did I care?

No.  Like I said last week – nobody’s gonna care now.  They just want to hear the guy sing.  And that’s rare.  No matter what he sings, he’s gonna bring it to the table.  No matter what he sings, he’s gonna rock it out.  No matter what he sings, he’s gonna blow it out of the ballpark. So who the hell cares what he’s singing about!!  He did a great job with a song nobody knew.  Yes, it would’ve been even greater if we could have CONNECTED like last week.  But hey…we’re not in charge of the party guests.  What do you say, Dawg about David’s Dolly?  “Another hot consistent performance.”  Diva?  “I like your haircut.”  Oh dear G in Heaven!!!!!!!!!!!  Simon the Great?  “If you can make a sparrow song sound good, congratulations.”  David, you done good with your Dolly!

Okay, not for nothing…but why does Simon hate birds so much??? Rather ODD.

David gets…  THREE DOLLYS

Ramiele – Ram or Chik!?!?!  PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!  The Ram is the female version of Castro…is she not!?!?!?  Helloooooooooooo???????????  Helloooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

She hangs with him, doesn’t she?  Personality = ZERO.  Could you imagine her winning the title?  She’s not going to, but let’s just say she did.  “So how does it feel to be the American Idol?”  “I don’t know.” “No seriously…how does it feel to have won?”  “I don’t know.”  “You’re on the Today Show tomorrow, what are you going to talk about?”  “I don’t know.”  STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You and Castro need to go to a finishing school camp together – FAST!!! Just go pack.  Now!!  I can’t stand it anymore!!  Here’s a CLASSIC example of good voice + zero personality = Pack and GOOO!!!  DONE!  VFTW – do us all a favor…pick another Worst, will you??

Ram’s score = NO DOLLS – JUST A TIME OUT because hopefully she’s gonna GO OUT!

Castro – Back to back with The Ram. Greaaaaaaaat.  This is when every BODY in the USA now starts to turn horizontal on their couches.  Is it time for me to grab my Wally, Mrs. Jones??  YOUR DOLLY, CASTRO!!!!!!  IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO GRAB YOUR D-O-L-L-Y!!!!!!!!!  Oh, sorry. Yeah sure, man…no problem.   And Castro sings…“I can’t tell you where I’m going.”  Stop right there!  BINGO!!!!!!!! Great song choice – the shoe fits and so does the suit! You can’t make this sh*t up, people!  Dawg?  “So check it out.  Started rough.”  You THINK??  Diva?  “To me, one of your strongest performances.”  To me – Get your head into the game, Diva!!  Simon the Great?  “I didn’t like it at all. I wouldn’t get it if I saw you for the first time.”  I DON’T GET IT EVER!!  Castro, grab your Wally and your Dolly and get out of here!!!!

Castro’s score = UGH.  ONE FREAKIN’ MESSED UP DOLL!!!

 Carly – Here You Come Again.  I don’t want to beat this “disconnect” into the ground, but man oh man…I lose Carly.  I just don’t connect. Yes, good voice.  Yes, she can sing.  But I’m coming up empty.  I am NOT in the ZONE when she sings.  Again, great song…BUT…it was written for ONE person to sing.  And for this reason, I just don’t think it’s fair.  Dawg?  “Nice job.”  Diva? “Glorious.”  UGH – Simon the Great?  “Good, not great.”  Exactly.  Coupled with Simon’s “lack of stylist” comment.  Here’s the thing.  She doesn’t HAVE a stylist.  She’s the stylist.  OUCH, OUCH, and OUCH! 

Carly’s score =  TWO DOLLS in need of new hip clothes!

The Arch – singing “Smoky Mountain Memories” – Oh yeah…that’s believable. 

( !!?!?!!?!?)  But here’s the thing – hasn’t the Arch been singing a lot of “message songs” to us?  Yes, he has.  So maybe this one is another message.

But our dreams all fell in on us
'Cause there was no land of promise
And it's a stuggle keepin' sight of who you are

Who the heck knows at this point?  Good job, Arch. I like you, kid.  Dawg…you likin’ the Arch?  Yep.  “David is back! That was the best performance right DARE!”  Right DARE, Dawg?  Yeah, right Dare, Mrs. Jones.”  UGH.  Dictionary MESS.  Diva?  “You have a beautiful aura.”  Are you kidding me!?!?!?  Simon the Great?  “On the $$$.”

David’s Dolls…

Kristy Lee – did you SEE her in rehearsals in the jeans and tee?  Did I tell you she’s so much prettier BEFORE hair and makeup sits her down???  So what do they do to her?  They dress her in a HORRIBLE brown frock and throw dream catchers onto her ears and I’m supposed to listen to this chick sing with that in the way????????  Coupled with MY pet peeve – no shoes!!!!!!!!!!  OMG.  I have no idea what she sang because I was SO stuck on the dream catchers waving around her head - it made me NUTS!!!!  And the swoosh hair to one side????   The Dawg said you were definitely in your WHEELHOUSE so that kinda wraps it up!!!!!!!!!!!!! ?????????????????????  Sort of…in a “What the hell are you talking about????” sort of way!!!  No dolls – it’s all too weird!!!!!!!  I hope you dialed till you dropped, Steve in NJ!  That’s how KLC is staying people, btw – it’s this guy in Jersey – he’s got 60 phones set up in his garage. 

Syesha – One question:  WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING, SISTA!?!?!?  Have you NOT watched this show before???  Have you no clue as to what Simon the Great is about to NAIL you with???  WHAT in G’s name were you thinking, girlfriend?????????  I don’t care if Dolly wrote it or not, Whitney sang it and that means one thing and one thing only:  DO NOT TOUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  EVER!!!!!!!!!!  The music started and I’m thinking, “She’s nuts – she’s OUT of her mind!!”  “I Will Always Love You” needs to be FILED with “Alone” and “Total Eclipse of the Heart” because you will NEVER, EVER, EVER win if you sing it – Simon the Great has a Whitney Chip and nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is gonna knock it off.  BUT!!!!!!!!  The Dawg beat Simon to it because Dawgie knows that this is Simon’s button and Dawgie likes to impress so…he ran with it.  “You took on the biggest tiger of the night and it was hard for me to hear ANYONE else sing it.”  Oh gee….really???????????  Wonder where THAT came from?   Diva?  “You look beautiful.” Translates to:  “You’re F-ed!!!!!!”  Simon?  “Paled to Whitney.”  Really, Simon??? PALED TO WHITNEY??  REALLY???  Hail to Simon!  Wicked Whitney is ALIVE and WELL which means…When are you people going to learn – don’t mess with Whitney and Simon EVER.  NO KIDDING!!  NO JOKE!!!  NO DOLLS!!!!!!!!!

AND…

Mike saves the Night!!!!!!!!  It was ALL wrong, but thank the Lord for Mike!!  It took an hour to get it ALL RIGHT, too!!  GREAT JOB, MIKE!!!!  You made Dolly proud!!!  Not to mention, you now have a songwriter tucked into your back pocket. 

GOOD for YOU, Mike!!

GLAD THAT’S OVER WITH!

BRING ON THE BUCKEROOO!!!

Yeeeeeee-Haaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

Now HE is one hot, smokin’ DOLL!

© 2008 Mrs. Jones

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