She says, “I am the one…” Yes, I do. Will ANYBODY really be talking about ANYTHING else today?? Will ANY water cooler even utter nine other names? Let me tell you something right now – IF you didn’t see it from Day One, and you didn’t hear it from Day One, you heard it last night. And there’s only one word to describe what you heard:
H A U N T I N G
The Smokin’ Gun did it with “Walk the Line” and Bo Bice did it “without the band.” But THIS…THIS was in a class all by itself. THIS simply said,
"I AM THE ONE."
Now, whether we kick his a** to the curb before his time is a whole other story, people, but who cares?? Does he need the crown?? He probably doesn’t even want the crown. His job is DONE. He showed every label, record producer, and country what he’s made of. The contract is already drawn up – the pen is on the table. And yeah…I’d definitely scalp to get 4th row center to hear this guy sing.
Here we go…
Ramiele – Born in 1987, dear Lord that’s as crazy as the Diva’s dress up gloves!! Okay, this is what needs to happen with “Alone” – it needs to be left ALONE and filed on the “Do Not Sing Again” shelf in the AI song storage room. Burn it, Byrd!! Enough! How many times have we heard “Alone?!?” 956 times??...At least!!?? Ram, it’s just a matter of time from this point out. It’s been done, we’re done, and your pants are too damn high!! Dawg? “Too big of a song.” No Dawg, you were just bored to tears, too. Diva…can I ask you something, honey? Where’d you get those gloves? Oh you like these, Mrs. Jones? No. I’m just asking where you got those gloves? I found them.
I believe that. Where…where did you find them? I found them in the scary nurse’s dressing room.She left them behind so I took them and added them to my outfit of many moods. Oh my Lord, Diva do you NOT have a mirror in your dressing room!!?!? No, I don’t need one. Randy tells me how I look before I go out. Say no more - Let’s move on. What did you think of the Ram, Diva? “You’re really sick.” No, Diva…not you!! The Ram? The Ram? OMG – forget it. FORGETTTTTABOUTIT!!!!!!
Next!
What? It’s Jason. Where? Here, on Idol. When? Now…we think. I’m here, Mrs. Jones!! I’m here!! You’re here?? Honey, you’re SO not here!!!!!!!! Yes, I am! NO, you’re not! You’re SOOOO not!! Because here’s THE line of the night, right here that screams to the world you’re so not here, “I was told I’m an Aries.” Who told you that, Castro??? Your mother?? For heaven’s sakes, don’t believe everything people tell you, especially your mother!!! Maybe you’re a Gemini. See, that would make more sense. A Gemini has two personalities, Jason. That would explain a lot. That would explain a ton, actually. See I know this stuff. I’m a Gemini. I have two personalities also. Be like me, Jason. Forget what they told you. You’re a Gemini now. Okay? Okay Mrs. Jones…okay. Okay? Like okay, sure…Ahhh, where are we again, Mrs. Jones? Idol, you’re on Idol. Ohhhhh, like Okay. Okay so Pretty Boy stepped up with “Fragile” – okay THAT song title makes a whole lotta sense, but I didn’t know it was FRAGILE until it was almost over!! Okay…Ladies, stop it…okay???!!! Stop the ooooing and ahhhing over Vinny Barbarino!!! He is NOT a contender and he is NOT the next American Idol! He is a mistake and I don’t know how he ended up in this line-up! I’ll bet you $500 bucks he couldn’t even answer that!!! This guy can’t answer anything!! He doesn’t even know when the hell he was born!!!!!!! DUDE, WAKE THE *F* UP!!!! Who cares what the Pained Panel thinks! It is absolute agony to watch and listen to this guy!
Onward!!
We’re that much closer to the ROCKSTAR!
Syesha – So you take on Gladys and you did a good job. Here’s the problem though – if you close your eyes and listen…it’s….a good job. But you’re not jumping off the couch. It’s just good. It’s even solid good, but it’s not magic good. So now what? You know how Jennifer Hudson sang her big song in Dream Girls and it took your breath away? And you clapped in the movies and you wondered why you were clapping in the movies because….it’s the movies!??? Well, you clapped because it was magic. I like Syesha but it’s not………..magic. The Dawg thought she had a good moment. Moments are great, but here’s the thing: you need a lot of moments to make a memory. Diva? “I thought she flipped it.” No, honey, that’s YOU – you’ve flipped it – we’re talking about Syesha now!!! Simon the Great? “There’s a limit on your vocals and that song stretched it.” Which translates back to: You need a lot of moments to make a memory and we don’t have that many moments so now what??
Chik – CHIK!!!!! What are you doing, CHIK !?!? I love Luther and I love you! BUT I don’t love when you sing a ballad! Don’t you people WATCH Idol before you audition?? And didn’t you sit on your couch all those seasons saying, “what the heck are they singing that boring ballad for?!” Chik, you gotta take your own advice my man!! You’re a WOWER!! WOWERS shake and groove – they don’t sing ballads! You gotta bring the Chikster energy back!! Run around again – bring it on!! The Dawg thought it was “boring,” which it was. Diva was straightening her chunky, funky, jewelry so it would lay pretty on her beautiful long sleek glamorous gloves so we’ll just let her BE…for now. Simon the Berate? “I miss your personality.” Exactly!!! Top 10 = Top performances. Bring it on and keep it on, Chik – don’t turn it off…ever!
Brooke the Nanny – “No…start again. Again. No start again. Good. Now you’re good. I can start.” Okay, hear me now: IF one of our boys would have done that…the “oh let me start this again” thing – it would’ve been SLAM CITY!!!!!!!! But not for Brooke – for Brooke it’s, “I’m glad you started again.” In the Top 10…“I’m glad you started again!?!?” STOP IT!!! Simon the Great loves this one, why I do not know. But he does. And she’s sliding…BIG TIME!! Was it good? Yeah, it was good, but nobody…NOBODY…went to bed last night saying, “Ohhhhhhhhh I just loved “Every Breath You Take.” Nope… sorry, Sista 70’s.
MIKE! Mike took a deep breath and………………….ROCKED IT OUT with “We Are the Champions!!!” I was with the Dawg on this one, “FINALLY!!!” Yep, finally – he connected and he delivered. Yes, Dude…it was your best performance so far. Diva? “It was your shining moment.” How I see it: Up until this point, it was his shining moment which was a travesty for him because of what was coming up that nobody knew about. So everyone was on their couches saying, “Ohhh, this guy is THE BEST!! THE BEST OF THE NIGHT!!!” But see, the Fat Lady didn’t sing yet and for THAT I truly feel sorry for Mike. Cause Mike did a great job. He actually did an outstanding job but here’s the sorry side…at the end…when it was all said and done…it wasn’t enough. And that’s a shame. A damn shame. Because at the end...at the very end...did anybody even remember Mike?
Carly – WHO is dressing you?? You could NOT have looked more uncomfortable on that stage in that hideous too-tight dress from 1949. Horrible. Almost as horrible as the ruffled red blouse with the huge clip-on flowers from last week. It’s distracting because you look so uncomfortable…always. Onward… There’s a disconnect here and I can’t put my finger on it. I like her, but I disconnect. She has a great voice, but then I go….okay??? So???? Would I pay to see her in concert? No, I wouldn’t. Do I think she has a phenomenal set of pipes? Yeah, I do. So what’s the problem? I don’t know!!! There’s that disconnect!! BTW: “Total Eclipse of the Heart” – FILE IT with ALONE!! The Dawg didn’t connect either, “I liked it, not loved it.” Diva? “You can do no wrong.” Okay, that has NOTHING to do with the anything!!! You’re a mess. Simon the Great? “Something didn’t quite work.” Right – exactly. It didn’t quite work because there’s a disconnect for you, too. Can’t put your finger on it, can you?? Join the group.
David Arch – 1990, right?? Did you do a print out on the song choices from 1990???
Could the list BE longer?? And you choose……..”You’re the Voice.” And we sit home and look at each other and say, “Do you know this?” “No.” “Do you?” “No.”
And when the answers are NO, NO, and NO…usually…usually – there’s another disconnect because people don’t know what the heck you’re singing about!!!!! Sooooo instead of enjoying the song, they’re struggling with “how come I don’t know this??” And what happens then is…they’re not listening to you sing - they’re just trying to ease their own memory loss misery!!!! See?? Not good. Not smart. Not the thing to do. ESPECIALLY after listening to the rehearsals!!!!! YOU know what’s coming so you gotta step it up, Arch! Don’t get yourself in the comfortable zone and take that many chances. You definitely didn’t want to be left in Disney World where Simon the Great dumped you off. No way!! Remember to always think twice before choosing the Nobody Knows Songs! Hi Ho, Hi Ho!!
Kristy Lee – Okay, here’s my theory. The hair makeup department HATES this woman. When she’s riding around on her million dollar ranch back home, this girl is gorgeous.Stunning, actually! Put her in hair and makeup and it’s a disaster!! I’ve never seen anything like it! Every time!! She’d be better off coming out in her ripped up jeans, a tee, and no makeup! And I’m not buying the giant acyclic nails painted maroon for the ‘natural beauty’ either – what the heck is that about!?! But I will say this – “God Bless the USA” could not have been a better song choice for 2 reasons – 1-Nobody’s gonna say a word about it because you can’t and you won’t. And 2-she did a damn good job with it! Last night showed she could sing – yes, Nashville is watching, Kristy Lee…no worries – but again…that’s Tennessee, we’re in California – two totally separate animals. Which brings us to…our Dawg, “Great song choice.” Damn straight, Dawg. Diva? “I’ve seen better performances from you.” You have??? WHEN, Diva????? WHEN??? Ahhh, never mind…who cares. Simon the Great? Brilliant song, brilliant writer, good performance.
THE END - YEAH!!
UsuallyTHE ONE saved for THE END is usually the “show stopper” and and it’s usually…for a REASON. This time, the reason was huge.
We’re all in agreement that David Cook is winning hearts, yes??? And up until this point, if people ask you, "Who do you like so far?" and if you’re not 14-years-old and voting only for the Arch, you probably say…“David Cook.” And then they say, “Ohhh, yeah…I like that guy, too!!” RIGHT - are you with me here??
But after last night…wouldn’t you say it’s all different now? After last night, wasn’t it clear that he and his talent SCREAMS, “I AM THE ONE.”
Last night left everyone speechless – EVERYONE – including Simon the Great. He had absolutely nothing to say because…….there was nothing really to say.
David Cook’s, “Billie Jean,” blew Chris Cornell’s version right out the water, ballpark, AND theme park. I really don’t know what to write because his performance left me without words. I backed it up and watched it over a few times….just because. David Cook without a mic in his hand is a very humble man. But when he steps up to the mic, there’s nothing humble about him or his voice. When he steps up to sing, it's just incredible explosive talent. Undeniable HAUNTING talent.
For me, David Cook’s, “Billie Jean” was THE BEST performance I have ever seen on Idol - EVER.
Here’s something else we could talk about: Do we want him to take this crown? If they do right by him, then okay…sure…take it - wear it proudly. But I don’t know if Cook should have “American Idol” draped over his head. The shoe doesn’t fit, does it? It’s like the Smokin’ Gun. Should Daughty have won? Yeah, sure…absolutely. Are we glad he didn’t? Yes, absolutely.
So I don’t know on this one. This guy’s got some career ahead of him, that’s for sure. I don’t know if he needs to win. I don’t know if I would even want to see him win. I just want to hear him sing. I love when it’s his turn to sing.
If David Cook’s on stage, who will dance on the floor in the round? I will. I definitely will. And you can come dance with me. Watch it again. And again...and again. It’s well worth it
